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Pizza is a word the majority of the planet find absolutely enticing. It's a guilty, lovely & warm slice of human that every body at some point has had down their throat. Tossed, flipped, decorated, delivered and devoured is the usual ritual in how Pizza goes. People think of it as a reward and a experience, like taking a slice of their heart and replacing it with comfort.
"Come on, everybody likes Pizza"
"Wow I could eat the whole thing"
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy pizza"
Tomorrow I report to my College Seminar at Noon, yet I was informed an hour ago that there will be Pizza served as a lunch, while we work & collaborate with Mentors of the semester. A sizable portion of the hour will be talking in groups, while eating Pizza. Meeting new, established campus members, while eating Pizza. Sitting in a hot room with many people I don't know, while eating Pizza. As you can see, I'm ruminating on one small detail.
Pizza, and me being asked to consume it.
If I don't go, I will be marked down and my grade will suffer. I am literally locked in a cage, with Pizza dangling over my body & mind, praying the cheese doesn't slimily drip down onto me and burn into me like acid. I'm cursing my own ancestors for discovering this recipe for disaster. That's what pizza feels like to someone with Anorexia Nervosa.
"No one can see me eat this"
"I can't eat this, I'll be a failure"
"I'll look disgusting, I'm so guilty."
"No one will like me."
I began this Blog tonight because of how absolutely stressed I am, about this one measly item of food. Yeah, I get it. I ate Pizza when I was younger and damn, did I like it. My sister and I would order it when we were home alone, get it within 20 minutes from Pizza Hut. I still remember my signature order; Pizza with White Sauce, Mozzarella with Basil, Black Olives and Sausage. The best part was the Cheese-filled Italian crust. I would eat at least 2 slices and be so happy I did, watching That's So Raven and SpongeBob. A little kid in a minimal mental state, just enjoying the fact Pizza was so easy and so good.
Unfortunately now, the 'so easy' and 'so good' part has left the building on me, and I'm now left with anxiety and shame. Since developing this disorder from the age of 14 to now 19, Anorexia has slowly taken regular, common foods and turned them to 'fear foods'. Things like Ice Cream, Soda, Cake and Pizza are the usual beginners. And that's simple, right?
"Don't eat that food! It's bad for you"
My favorite is
"It'll make you fat"
That's as simple as it starts, cut out the bad. But what if your brain excels way past the rational idea of "bad" and develops restriction of anything.
Slowly though, you begin picking off the Meats, because they have fats and cholesterol. Cheese is too much of a delicacy and should be saved for special times (times you never have, but make up in your head). What about Vegetables? Vegetables may have hidden sugar and Fructose and Glucose, words you didn't know before but now consume your mind. Fruit is no different, it's now an enemy. Bacon and Egg? God Forbid! That's just like eating a stick of butter, the fat content out rules the benefit of enjoying it. And of course, when you've picked off everything, including the tomato vegetable sauce, you are left with a hollow husk of a calorie-encrusted dinner that is now not even worth it. The dough and crust is your end game, because bread makes you fat. Well don't even worry about that Desert slice, because it'll ruin your figure, sugar can make you ugly. You've heard that since you were 10 years old. Just throw it out, throw everything out, and run.
Tomorrow these are the thoughts, notions & compulsions will spin in my exhausted brain over and over, slapping my Fontal Lobe, kicking my Cerebral Cortex and pinching my Pineal Gland, until I shut down. Emotionally, mentally. But you won't see it physically, because I'm the best at pretending that this is a grand old time, I'll stand up right and smile, but my clenched fists and sweaty neck, chest and brow will glisten with my shining need to fit in. I have my treatment techniques and my calming methods to get me through it, but it will be an extremely hard hour, even though it's an hour. Even though it's a food, even though it's a feeling. That's where Annalee steps back and Anorexia steps forward. And she's really good at keeping a secret.
There's no better feeling than Pizza, unless your a person suffering from Anorexic thoughts. I don't ever condone restriction, my blog is purely for the ventilation of what it's like daily for someone like me. I hope maybe someone will breathe in this smoke and not feel so alone. Or maybe if the illness is written down in words, we can all make sense of the insanity.
